The ‘Lookback’

So, if you have Snapchat, you probably know about Snapchat memories. Well, the last two years have made for some interesting – to say the least – Snapchat memories. At least, for this week, and what will be coming later this week. Two years ago I was about to begin my first relationship, and felt very much on top of the world, a year ago, after that relationship ended, I was on the opposite end of the spectrum, feeling like the entire world was on top of me. I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while, for at least 5 or 6 months, and just trying to get back into it.

Last year was a tough time for me. Having gone through that break-up, and some of the inevitabilities of trying to salvage a relationship with someone because you care about them, but the timing just isn’t right… yet. It hurt, and I went through hell, I became really depressed, I stopped going to classes, some days I barely got out of bed. I ended up failing all but one of my classes. I started to evaluate who I was, and I didn’t necessarily like what I saw, and I did the big person thing and decided to make a change – one that wasn’t just getting a haircut and a tattoo, although those things definitely helped. I started reading Tarot and opening myself up to the opportunities for growth that the world had in store for me every day. I stopped looking at the negativity in things and started focusing on the positives.

I made the decision that I was going to take a semester off, not because of “school is hard” but because I knew that I wasn’t ready to re-take the classes I had just failed yet. I spent all summer looking for a job and finally found one, started making and saving money, made plans to move in with two of my friends and made decisions BY myself FOR myself. I started to really genuinely enjoy the person I saw in the mirror (if you can’t tell from my Instagram). It wasn’t easy, but I knew it would be worth it. And now here I am. I’m back in school, I’m thoroughly enjoying my classes, I’m making money and paying bills, I have a level of confidence and amount of self-love I’ve never had and it feels pretty freaking fantastic.

I’m not writing this post to brag about how good my life is or anything. I’m also not writing it to bash on a failed relationship, (ZJGS, if you’re reading this, I love you.) I’m writing it so that if I ever get back to that place where I feel like the world is crushing me again, I can do a ‘lookback’ and remember who I am and where I came from so I can keep focusing on where I’m going. I’m writing it to thank the people in my life, the ones that are around, and the ones that aren’t.

I’m also writing it so that if you’re reading this and you’re someone who feels like the world is crushing you right now, that you know that you’re stronger than you think you are. And that if you feel like you can’t handle it, that you can come to me, and I’ll help you best I can.

“Sometimes when you’re feeling buried, you’re actually just planted.”
-Christine Caine

2017 v . 2019

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