I wrote and rewrote this post a few times, trying to get out what I want to get out, and just can’t find the right way to put it.
2017 was… a lot.
Obviously, the big thing was my relationship, which was a great thing for a quite a while. Zach and I aren’t together anymore, which has been really rough, but I’m making it through it. I don’t want to go into details as to why we’re not together, and just leave it at this. There were good and bad aspects of the relationship between both of us, and it is just best for us right now to just try and be friends.
2017 also picked me up by the scruff of my neck and yanked me out of my comfort zone. I’ve really, truly started the progress of “growing up”, and I’m definitely experiencing the growing pains that come with that.
I’m a very visual person, (have you noticed how I use lots of analogies?) when I think of and imagine scenarios, people, objects, etc. I make decisions based on how what I’m imagining “looks”. The better I can “see” something, the more I believe it will happen. I’m still trying to figure out what the little details in these mind’s eye scenarios mean, what they truly look like, and why certain ones can completely turn me off to an idea.
My point is this, when I think of myself from an outside perspective, I still see High School Russell, I act like High School Russell, I find myself thinking like High School Russell, I have the same fears, wants, ambiguous goals and mentality as High School Russell.
But I’m not High School Russell, I’m Growing up Russell, College Russell, Legally an Adult Now Russell. I’m still just figuring out what he looks like. Seems a little backwards to continue trying to fit myself into a box, right? It’s not a box, it’s an image, a few images actually, one that is who I was, a second one that’s who I am now and the third that’s who I want to be. That third image is mostly done, but not quite there. But the second one is the one I’m working on now, trying to fit bits and pieces together like a tangram to make a shape close to the image of who I want to be.
The third image shouldn’t be some artwork created by someone else, or even a collaboration of different people. I shouldn’t try and become who others want me to be for their sake. I need to create that image myself, and strive for it, for my sake.
This year, I’m going to challenge myself to a few things:
- To be more Steadfast in my decisions and stop doubting myself
- To be a better friend (because lately, I have not been a great friend.)
- To say what I mean, not beat around the bush
- To stop being afraid to try new things
- To be more spontaneous
- To stand my ground
- To stop putting myself down
- To stop trying to please everyone
- To find positivity when everything feels negative
- To never stop loving.
- and others
and beyond those, some that are a little less intense:
- Laundry twice a month, Sheets once
- Drink more water, less soda
- Take a Multivitamin every day
- Brush AND Floss every day
- Fill all three fitness rings on my Apple Watch every day
- Save more from each paycheck
- Eat better
- Blog once a week
I’m a work in progress. Some days a lot may get done to make the bigger picture come together, and some days, not so much. Even tangrams have tiny pieces. And that’s okay because I’m going to get right back up and keep working. Every day I am a little bit closer to being the person I want to be, and that starts with me.